Today we are looking on wattpad.com at a story under the "Mystery/Thriller" titled "Sex slave of a lesbian" link: https://www.wattpad.com/202001168-sex-slave-of-a-lesbian-story
Yep. The title drew my attention toward it.
The beginning seems a little confusing and frustrating. I think that was the aim but it just seems a little over the top and unnecessary like someone is shouting inside my brain.
'Amber...Amber... Amber.. fucking help me!' It doesn't tell us who is saying/thinking this also while its ok to swear, keep it at a minimal and try not to do it so earlier on like this. When readers look for something to read they obviously assess the first few sentences and the kind of featured language. The first sentence needs to draws in the readers attention... yes swearing does that but is this the kind of attention that is good? I mean unless your some hardcore tween from the rough patch of town that thinks swearing is great, the general audience tend to not appreciate this unless necessary or used in emphasis. Some people do not care but I'm just saying, you could deter a whole group of people who grew up with the whole "Swearing is bad" thing or at the least think its ugly.
'Why haven't you, your so slow!' Careful of misspelling and grammar. "Why haven't you," should be "Why haven't you?" or "Why haven't you?!" depending on how it is been thought/said. I'd assume in frustration so probably the second one would be a lot more effective. "your so slow" *you're.
'I'm dying while you fall asleep!' I don't know if its just me but I imagine a childish little girl exaggerating her condition or "dying" of excitement? you could consider "I'm dying... Amber? did you fall asleep? Amber I really need your help..." Seems more genuine and pleading.
"Sweet dreams" Just kidding!' Kidding about what? I thought speaker was desperate for Amber to wake up.
'I'm done with the bullshit.' Yep, two swear words in the first paragraph... Bullshit is generally ok but its with the "fucking" maybe its too much. Call me a grandma or a "pussy" or old fashioned but it does annoy me and I'm not the only one.
'I never knew where you came from!' And I don't know who you are and what you're talking about. Honestly there is no indication... Why does it matter... I mean I thought the speaker really needed help? Is the speaker intoxicated? At first I thought Amber was just talking to herself but now I'm not sure. The Writer really needs to clarify this.
"Hell thats it." is speaker doing anything or? even if this is an imagination or a dream there needs to be more action rather than a monologue. Maybe there's a girl that looks like an "evil" version of Amber, thats now getting up and walking toward sleeping Amber.
"One..Two....Three..Four..One.....Three. Four...Two!" What are these numbers for? They don't even follow an overall pattern. Who even counts like this? try standard numerical order, ascending or descending? or like a mother/father counting for their children to do something "When I count to 3, that playstation better be off" Sam's Mother pointer her finger at the Xbox one console. "One...Two...Two and a half...Two and three quarters..."
To be continued...
